


Saturday 5 a.m.

by calissequecestmignon



Series: Daily dose of Oliver and Connor [8]
Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Romantic Angst, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 19:28:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3541259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calissequecestmignon/pseuds/calissequecestmignon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Still not sleeping</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saturday 5 a.m.

5:13 a.m  in the bedroom

 (Connor in  **bold** , Oliver in plain)

 

**Jesus, Oliver, what're you doing?**

Go back to sleep. I'm getting up.

**What time is it?**

It's early.

**It's dark.**

It's really early.

**Isn't it Saturday? Where are you going?**

I can't sleep. I'm going to make coffee and read for a bit.  Go back to sleep.

 

 

5:37  a.m. in the living room

 

Oh. You're up.

**I couldn't get back to sleep.**

I'm sorry.

**S'okay.**

Well then, do you want coffee?

**Ah, sure. I guess. I'm going to put some sweats on, it's cold. I'll get my coffee, don't get up.**

 

I'm sorry I woke you.

**Doesn't matter. I have to go to Asher's and pick up my car. If it's early, maybe he'll go out for breakfast.**

Oh. Sure.

 

{no sound but coffee drinking.}

 Connor?

**hmmm?**

You want out, don't you?

**Is that what you think?**

"Too far, too fast", if that's how you feel then I guess you want out.

 

{more coffee drinking noise.}

 

**Aiden did break my heart when he left me.**

Connor....if you still love him...

**It wasn't tough, I wasn't sad—I mean it was but it was way worse than that--it was absolutely fucking devastating. I told you this already. Sort of.  But really, it was so much worse than that. I was _broken_. Just completely _broken_. I can't even...**

**I know you've had break-ups but I don't think you understand how completely ruined I was by him leaving me. Everything in my life fell to pieces. Every plan I had made for the future was never going to happen. Everything I thought was true about the person I loved was wrong.  Everything I thought I knew about _myself_  was wrong. It was like I had been completely stripped of every last piece of me--like a burn victim--just one big huge raw wound.  Everything hurt.  I went to stay at my sister's and you know, she had just gotten her new job and she was super busy but she had to take care of me.  I couldn't function. I literally did not eat, or sleep or shower unless she was there to make me. I was there the entire summer. I didn't go to work even though I had had a job lined up for the summer. I didn't leave her house for weeks on end.**

**Then school was going to start and I kind of started to feel like it was going to be okay, you know, a new start. Aiden was supposed to go to Boston with me but he went to New York instead and my sister helped him to sublet the apartment we were supposed to take and she got me into the dorms. I went along with whatever she suggested or told me to do. Moving into the dorm and meeting new people sort of brought me out of myself again. A bit. But after the first few weeks...**

**I could not stop thinking about him and what he was doing and what we had planned to do. I was gutted, I was hollow. Even though I was walking around and going to class and talking to people there was nothing to me. All the time it was like I could see myself from the outside pretending to be okay. Pretending I wasn't still hopelessly, madly in love with him. You know when you miss someone so much it physically hurts?**

**I stopped going to class by about the third week. I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't eating properly. Then one night I lost it completely. I didn't know what it was at the time, but I had a panic attack, worse than when I showed up here. Remember that? Well this was much much worse. I was convinced I was dying and I freaked out my dorm mate and he called an ambulance. The ambulance brought me to the hospital. It was this whole horrific thing with doctors and psychiatrists and fuck, I don't know who. Just this barrage of people hovering over me and I remember just lying there in the hospital and crying my eyes out. Completely hopeless. I couldn't be released until t** **hey called my sister to come and get me.** **They wouldn't let me leave the hospital until I agreed to take meds. They were worried I was going to kill myself.**

**I couldn't go back to school. The school wouldn't let me. They wanted me to take a semester off to learn how to deal with stress. Plus my grades would've been shit anyway by then. So there I was. In less than six months I went from being on top of the world, with a boyfriend I loved and plans for the future with him and plans for university and everything just all lined up to having nothing. Just broken and ruined and held together with medication and terrified of what was going to happen next.**

Oh, Connor. Babe...

**I went back to school the next semester. I was off the meds but I had to see a counselor--there were all kinds of rules for me just so they would let me back in.  But it wasn't until the fall that I was actually okay. Over a year from when he had left me.**

**That's what happened. That's what really happened when he broke my heart. He broke all of me. And I do like Michaela just for herself but I also like that I can sit and listen to her talk about him and know that I’m okay now. It’s been five years and I’m okay and hearing about him from her isn’t going to hurt me.**

**Still that panic attack I had when I came back here and made you let me back in really scared me. I don't want to go down that road again. But I see that maybe I got in too deep with you in too much of a hurry. Because if I'm number four and there's one day going to be a number five...Oliver, if you're going to get tired of me in a year or two then I have to bail now. I have to bail now before I give away every last bit of me to you. I won't be able to handle it if you leave me.**

Connor, that's not at all what I was trying to tell you.

**I meant it the other day when I said I wanted to marry you. I would never have come to live with you if I didn't love you enough for that. But you've got this whole other..**

Connor, no.

**I have to trust that you're in this with me. I have to know that you aren't always looking for a way out.**

I am. I won't be.  You can trust me.

 **I told you about Aiden so you can understand where I'm coming from, Oliver. The last time I loved someone, I didn't just get my hand slapped, I got the shit beaten out of me. I’m in so deep with you already, I love you so much it’s scaring me.** **So you need to be honest now and if you only let me back in because you felt sorry for me or you were lonely, tell me now. Tell me now so I can try to ...**

Connor. I told you before. I'm in. I'm all the way in. Too fast, too far--I don't care. I'm in.

**I'm trusting you, Oliver, to love me back.**

I do. I love you back.

 

It's been a long rough night. Let’s go back to bed and get some sleep.

**Good idea.**

Do I have to stay on my side?

**No, but I really do need sleep so if you're coming for something else you're going to be disappointed.**

Let's sleep. There'll be time for something else later.

 


End file.
